Monday, July 31, 2006


ok first my serious wishes....My biggest wish is to become financially solvent - not rich mind you - just comfortable enough to be able to know that I can take care of myself and my family. I worry about not having money to pay for my daughter's college - heck I do not even have our own place yet - so this is a big worry. My whole life we have struggled, well mostly after my father passed away. But I remember her working the graveyard shift in factories to keep the mortgage paid - we went through a lot. I didn't marry well either, we have never really been much more than a low income family. I moved out to Las vegas (where I knew only 1 person) in a desperate attempt to better myself - get a career - and that ended up only putting me further in the hole in the long run. Since divorcing my husband 7 years ago we have done nothing but struggle to keep our noses above water - sometimes I wonder if it was worth it. There just has to be a way for a single mom to support her family - without having to work 2 jobs. See I did that before I moved to Vegas - I was really sinking in debt from the divorce - I worked 2 fulltime jobs to keep the bills paid and I still struggled. While doing this my boys ran the streets - I was never home - I was always working -( it is a big fat catch 22 and another long story). I just feel like I have let my family down, my kids should not have suffered the way they did - and I just feel powerless to fix the situation most of the time. It is a vicious cycle - one that I pray i will not have to live with for the rest of my life.

ok my playful wish...since I was a little girl I have always loved art - coloring, drawing, whatever. Well it was always my dream to grow up and work for the Great Walt Disney company. I wanted to be a cartoonist - work in the animation department. I made it as far as moving to Florida - closer to the Disney complex - but of course I got married and went the family route - it just never happened. Ok so you know something different about me - ta da!!

Saturday, July 29, 2006


Just before Father's Day this year - I had a profound dream. My father died when I was just 11 years old - that was over 30 years ago. I had been really thinking about Father's in general - I had been looking at everyone's Cards and layouts they had made for their Father's Day gifts. I ended up having two separate but connected dreams that my Dad was still very much alive and well. Now like I said I was very young when he died so my memories of him are kind of juvenile - if you know what I mean. Well in this dream it was if he had never died - he was living here in Florida (he died in Chicago) and we were on a picnic with my grandchildren. This dream was so vivid and detailed - I usually do not remember dreams either - but this was different. A month later I can still replay the dream over in my head - he was in this park playing with my grandkids - they were running and laughing - he was chasing Katelyn trying to tickle her by rubbing his whiskers on her neck. I can picture it clearly - he caught her and she just giggled so hard she snorted. I can tell you what everyone was wearing - it was that detailed. So bittersweet this dream - he spent hours playing with the kids and talking and joking with my daughter Allyson too. In the second dream he got sick (cancer - just like what he died from), I was there for him - holding his hand and telling him that everyone was going to be ok. he was crying - telling me that he did not want to leave us. I held him as he passed away in the dream. I woke up that morning with my pillow soaking wet from crying - I just cried hard for over an hour. In fact I am crying again now just remembering it all. I had not dreamed about my dad since I was a teenager, I have ALWAYS carried his memories in my heart - but not my dreams. He was in my heart the days I had all of my children, the day I married, the day I graduated from High School, etc. - and most poingnantly he was with me the day my Mom passed away just 3 years ago. Dreams are so powerful - it kind of scares me. I think I am all big and bad most of the time - yet this one dream took me down HARD. Thanks for letting me share.

Friday, July 28, 2006

A few of my Favorite things

Ok first I apologize ladies I am a little behind here...

My Favorite Song right now is "Brooks and Dunn" ~ "I Believe"
I hear it on CMT a lot and I always crank it up and sing along - it is such a powerful song - I get all lumpy. Such a great song!!

My favorite movie is...Sabrina
I like both versions the old one and the new one.. I watch this movie over and over -such a great romantic story. I just adore it!

My favorite friend right now ... now this is kind of strange but my favorite friend is Jay (aka - the crow). Jay was a guy I dated for a year in Vegas - we hit it off as friends right from the git go - but it developed into a deeper (more fun) kind of friends with benefits kind of thing. He is the only person that no matter how long we are together we NEVER run out of things to talk about - never any awkward silence. He was a recent widower and I was the first person he dated - so he had a lot of difficulties with his feelings for me - I was going through a strong period of low self esteem and he made me feel so beautiful all the time! In the year we were together we never argued once - except one time I told him off and kind of broke up with him - and the next day my car broke down and I had no choice but to call him for help - he came running to. That is where the "Crow" comes form - cuz I had to eat it -feathers and all!! Anyway when I moved I knew I miss him so much - but our friendship has grown so strong since then - we talk everyday - I dont know what I would do without him sometimes. Now we offer advice and share war stories about dating and sex - it is just so strange yet so comfortable. I still pine over him sometimes and wonder what might have been - but I am so darned overjoyed at how close we have become since then - I finally told him I loved him - as my best friend just recently - it appears we have come full circle. I know that know no matter what I have a friend for life - and we know each other so well - we can share ANYTHING! Funny how things turn out sometimes .... go figure!

Monday, July 24, 2006

My favorite childhood memory - Breaker Breaker 19

The Citizen's Band Radio (aka - CB). My parents were both big into these things and they belonged to several groups/clubs that were involved with it. My dad's handle was "Tiger" and my mom's was "Kitty Cat", I was "Love Dove" (which I did not pick out - K). We had so many close friends in these groups and we would do all kinds of things together; camping, fishing, picnics, parties, coffee breaks, and my very favorite the "FOX HUNT". In a Fox Hunt, a large group of cars would use their mobile CB radios to play hide and seek. One person was the FOX and he would have to keep his CB radio microphone "Keyed - or talking" for 1 hour nonstop - within a 30 mile square radius - while the hunters searched for them - using only the strength of the signal that the talking FOX put out. So when we hunted -you had to have a co-pilot to navigate you - tell you when you turned here the signal got stronger or weaker - I was my Dad's co-pilot. Whoever found the FOX (sitting in their car talking) first would then become the FOX in the next month's FOXHUNT. We had so much fun doing this, it was always a good time. My dad came in second like 12 times -GGRRRRR, and just before he got too sick to be driving we actually won first place - so his last ever FOXHUNT the two of us sat in his van and joked and laughed on that microphone waiting for someone top find us!! These are Priceless memories!!!