Saturday, August 26, 2006

Mirror Challenge

Wow - you all have no idea how tough this one is for me - I have truely been avoiding this one. What I see when I look in the mirror is a work in progress - not all of it forward motion either. I am getting old - I see wrinkles - age spots - roseacia - and way more facial hair then is necessary. The roseacia has been there for about 3 years now and it has gotten so much worse - makeup barely covers it somedays. And gray hair!!! I used to be proud of it - I earned it the hard way - but recently I found a gray eybrow hair & a gray mustache hair - come on now - seriously WTF!!!! Ok that is what I see that aggrivates me - but I know it is just part of the aging process - but no one ever said we have to go gently - right? I also see a pretty smile and kind eyes - I think that I have a trusting face - the kind that could sell used cars - ya know what I mean??
Ok that is the superficial stuff - now the deep stuff.....

When I really look at myself in the mirror I see a scared, lonely lady. I see the years of suffering and pain that I have endured - the failed marriage - my troubled children - and my financial failures. I see the girl that once was so smart and had such big plans for the future - and I do not know how I got so far away from those goals. College - I so wanted to go to college and I am smart - I know I could accomplish it. What happened to my dreams??? Here I am 43 yrs old - alone - broke - and no real future. What the hell am I doing so wrong?? I see guilt for the lousy childhood my kids have had to live through and the damage it has done to them - and you can't take any of that back - its permanent. I watched my boys be abused by their father - and I was too afriad to leave him - I let it go on for way too long. And then when I finally found the strength to leave my Ex - I was so financially devastated, I couldn't make it. I lost our house - the only home my kids ever knew - not that it was anything worth having - it was a crappy OLD mobile home - in desperate need of repair. But I LOST IT - I was working 2 jobs and still could not keep up on the mortgage and insurances - and I lost it to back taxes. Then just 2 weeks later my youngest son (age 17 at the time went to jail) I could not afford to hire him an attorney - he ended up getting a really raw deal too. The sentence should have been 3-4 yrs tops - he was sentenced to 11 yrs in prison. I was so devastated and I felt so guilty, if only I could have got him that lawyer - he would be here today instead of a prison. I know now that it was beyond my control - the circumstances were just too overwhelming. I kicked myself in the ass and made the Bold attempt to do something about this shit situation - I sold everything I owned and loaded up a tiny uhaul and moved me and my 11 yr old daughter to Las Vegas - to start over. I learned a lot about myself in Vegas - I learned I was strong - I suffered through some pretty rough times there - most of the 3 years I was there I did not even have a car - I took a bus everywhere. But I learned to let go of some of the guilt and some of the resentment in my heart. I also learned that I was not the worthless human being that my Ex proclaimed that I am for so many years. I found some peace with myself - I did not get rich - but I supported my kid and I alone with no help from a single person in 3 yrs. I furnished an apartment on commisssions only, and I did finally save enough to buy a car (which died 5 months later). We were surviving - and we were learning and growing. Coming back to Florida was huge financial setback for me - there is no future in this rural area - I knew this. And I am stuck without a car again - which I just hate - but I hold my chin up - I did not come home as a failure. I came home with respect - mostly from myself and my children - but that is the most important ones anyway. I still see failure when I look in the mirror - but I also still see HOPE. Hope that someday it will get better, HOPE that my children have learned from the mistakes of their parents, and HOPE for myself as worthy human being. I still struggle with the lonely part - I do not want to grow old alone - that is one of my biggest fears. But I also have earned enough respect for myself to not settle for just anybody in my life - he has to be worthy. I have learned to accept being alone - I just surround myself with my family and my dearest friends - YOU!!! Ok I may have been long winded here - sorry. But as I said this was hard for me - I do not usually like what I see when I look in a mirror - but I have learned to respect it!

Ok one more thing I guess - am I a different person online?? Yeah I guess that I am different when I am online - I am optomistic, humorous, endearing, friendly, proud, sexy, etc... a whole lot of things that in real life I do not feel. I guess I haven't REALLY shared all of myself with all of you - sometimes it is hard for me to be so open. I show all of you the good in my life - not the bad. Does that mean that I am deceptive?? No I don't think so - I think it just means that there is a time and a place to reveal yourself - your real self. Tonight I made a really big step to introducing the real Cherrie to all of you - and it is not all pretty and good. But on the other hand I am still genuine when I relate to all of you - I genuinely care about you all and I have come to love and respect you all and your families, and your struggles, and your pain, and your realities. I have not practiced to decieve anyone - I have just been a little shy to reveal the ALL OF ME. I am still very much a work in progress.